The amazing stories of a 23 year old living in a 78 year old’s body.
As I wait
I’m lost. I can’t guide myself through this travel, I have my guiding star but she’s so far away and I haven’t heard her voice in quite a while. Tomorrow is a scary day. There is news, I don’t think it is what I am hoping for. But with tests and treatment it may get better.
Heart failure is no joke. Passing out daily, having to pullover on the side of the road to pass out and stay there for 2 hours is not as fun as it sounds. I’m surviving it, dealing with it but not thriving with it or living it.
As I wait I suffer. I just think of the words heart failure. Chronic systolic heart failure. Like taking my gallbladder and appendix out wasn’t enough failure??? Come on body work with me somewhat.
As I wait.. I think.. did I wait too long? Should I have acted sooner? Seoul I have found you sooner. Should I have stood up for myself sooner? Should I have had that surgery sooner?
Why did I wait?
What do you do?
Bad news. What do you do. When you find out your life isn’t all yours. The world is taking it away from you. Your days are numbered. Do you want to find out how you die? Well hi, I have congestive heart failure. I can only guess at how I go.
What should I do?
Love with no bounds. Live like crazy and take it day by day I guess. I’m scared. I didn’t know it would get this bad.
All that matters is me and you. I just want to be with you. You make me happy. You are my lover and my other half. You hold me when I need it, you take care of me and you never leave my side. What more could I ask for? It’s just you and our dog. Our little family. That’s all I want. All I need. Till my last day I will be loving you
{{((Mom hugs))}}
You don’t think you would miss it, but mom hugs are the best. Dad hugs aren’t the same, nor bff or guy hugs, fiance hugs. None take it’s place. Nothing ever will.
It’s the love, it’s the embrace, it’s the feeling of safety, warm fuzzy feelings and emotion releasing experience that I miss.
If you are lucky enough.. hug your mom a little tighter tonight just for me because I wish I would have that last day I saw her.
Is it worth it
I love you. I love you to the depths of my darkest fears and where my demons crawl underneath it all. I am so lucky to have found you. But youz you on the other hand. You are family so I have to be a 2 faced bitch and always act like I love you. You hate me, blatantly. You tear out your anger, the hate you have and all your problems, you blame it on me. I’m not even in the building and something breaks. It is legitimately my fault in your eyes.
I have good and I have bad. My good definitely outweighs the bad. I’m fortunate in that. My good supports me, loves me, helps me, deals with me and helps me get through each and every day… No matter the problem. And to him.. it’s not my fault
I love you. I love both of you but I can only choose one. I think you know who I pick, each and every time. 🧡🧡
It’s all about..
YOU, it’s all about you. You, you, you you and you. Always about you. I wanna talk about anything other than you. Like let’s talk about a frog, please. I’m so tired of talking about you.
Your kid, your health, your car, your baby, your sister. I know too much, gross much. Just shut up for once.
Let’s talk about the weather, the weekend events and the hockey game. My dog or how my neighbor smokes at 3 am in the basement.
Just not always you. You you you you.
Is it your last?
You don’t know when it’s your last. Your last “I love you” or last “I’ll see you later”. How do you know? Your last hug goodbye or is it your last hello.
So take it. Take advantage. Say it. Hell, spray it. IDC. Make sure you’re happy with it. When I hang up I want to make sure the last words I hear are “I love you, sweet dreams”. It puts a smile on my face and I know for a fact I’m happy with that being our last talk.
I wish I could say more to you Mom, I wish our words were more than they were. I love what I have but I wish it was more. I will make sure happy loving words always end. We always say goodbyes and goodnights, leave nothing unsaid because it can always be our last.
Am I ready
Today is the big day. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. You should be here for it. It’s not the same without you. I have a stand in but it’ll never be good enough
Without You
I’m so scared, I don’t have you. You’re supposed to be here for these moments. I love dad and how he helps but he isn’t you. You’re supposed to be here.
What am I supposed to do when I get a call telling me the monitor says I need to be rushed to the ER. How am I supposed to hold it together. How do I go to the doctors without you. You knew all my health. I have dad but it isn’t the same.
How am I supposed to do this without.
Here We Go Again
More doctors, more test, more hospitals.
More ER visits, more emergencies and more worries.
It may not be a long life but we will make it a good one.
Storming on
The drops drip, the rain pours on; it’s the only paint I can control. Peace is now coming. The storm is coming to an end. As I look around the damage is done I can’t undo it The storm has done it and I went through it. I survived like everyday it’s the only pain I can control.
Pushed By Pain 